I've concluded that Willard Mitt Romney is not the candidate's real name. He was born Izod Windsock on Rarotonga in the Cook Islands and showed such brilliance as an infant that his parents decided he would someday run for president as Willard Mitt Romney, a serviceable Anglo-
Saxon name inspired by Washington's plush Willard Hotel that Nathanial Hawthorne referred to as the "center of Washington". Lincoln liked the place, too, which couldn't hurt.
It's also true that Izod Windsock is such an absurd name that it might confuse those who couldn't remember whether Izod was his given name or surname in the heat of a nominating convention when some of the delegates had yet to sober up from the night before. And it would be nothing less than a blistering talking point for Rush Limbaugh (nee Limbot) who reminded his listeners that Izod was not only a trade name but also the 19th Century leader of an African terrorist group.
Some historians today suggest that as Willard was growing into puberty, he became very protective of his words against playground bullies who taunted him for repeatedly reversing his place on a seesaw. But it wasn't until he ran for class president that his opponents began questioning the birth certificate provided by his parents , particularly after Donald Trump Sr. had insisted that his probers had discovered that Mitt's parents were actually named Wendy and Winston Windsock (of the Rarotonga Windsocks) according to the old Rarotonga media files.
By now I know what you are thinking, that all of the above is very silly. I couldn't agree more. But you must remember that I am referring to Izod Windsock, the Republican candidate for president. As candidates go, you can't get much sillier than that, can you?