Newt Gingrich's dreamy mission impossible

NEWT GINGRICH is driven by the demon of One Notion Under God. So on Wednesday, he will announce his candidacy for president and tell us why his impossible notion of occupying the Oval Office should make more sense to the electorate than anybody else laboring with the Republican brand these days.

Hooray for Newt for his wonderful impersonation of Crazy Guggenheim. In an act of historic self redemption, the guy has thrust himself into the swamp to prove that at 67 he can still rise above the muck of adultery and a reprimand by his congressional colleagues in 1997 for serious ethical violations. To make sure that he got the message, he also was fined $300,000!

But that was more than a decade ago, folks. Since then, he assures us that he has found God, to whom he regularly pays his respects and promises us that he is saved by moral cleansing. In one of the most absurd explanations of his philandering days the New Newt said that he was so driven by his intense dedication to his work ethic that he detoured some of his energy into his sex life. He has now become such a family man that he and his third wife are never more than an elbow apart.

As he sets forth on his next mission, he doubtless will recall that at least one of his colleagues rushed to his defense after he was reprimanded. That was uttered by another pure-of-heart congressman, Tom DeLay, who was heard to complain: "The highest possible standard does not mean an impossible standard no American could possibly reach."