Grumpy's political tour guide for Ohio primary

As the less-than Fab Four descends on Ohio's battleground, Grumpy is pleased to offer, free of charge, a unique candidate by candidate guide to their campaigns leading to next Tuesday's primary. Clip and save:

McMitt Romney: In visit to University of Akron campus, he assures UA President Luis Proenza that he loves polymers and has collected them since he was three years old. "My father was a rubberworker and always filled my Christmas stockings with them when I was growing up in Barberton".... As his campaign bus rumbles over Akron's All America Bridge, Romney tells reporters that he loves bridges. "They are the right height. Ann has four in our backyard, actually"...Visiting Goodyear headquarters, he lauds executives for their company's first annual profit in three years, but laments that "Obama made it worse". Before leaving he assures them that he loves tires. "They mean that our dog caged on the roof of my car doesn't bounce around when we go on vacation trips"...In Cleveland, wearing a "We love Art (Modell) tee-shirt" Romney praises LeBaron (sic) James, saying he doesn't know a lot about professional basketball, but does have several great friends who own teams. "Ann owns a couple of teams, actually"...

McRick Santorum: Skirting the University of Akron campus, he alerts the city's voters that the school's left-wing administration and committed socialist faculty are nothing more than propaganda mills and blames the atheistic President Obama for the Zips' football team's miserable record and the rampant use of contraceptives in classrooms... He repeats his earlier concerns that he was against hiring Jim Tressel by lifting him up with other people's money...At a rally in the Portage Country Club's parking lot, he thanks County Republican chairman Alex Arshinkoff for having the vision to invite him to the Lincoln Day Dinner and says he will keep Akron in mind when he chooses his cabinet...In Cleveland, Santorum exudes confidence that Bishop Lennon is doing the right thing by closing parish churches even though it is causing some Catholics to throw up.

McNewt Gingrich: Insisting that he is new Newt, who is full of cheer, Gingrich tells Goodyear's front office that he will land a blimp on a moon base in his second term...He says he is cheerful because he is campaigning in a state where the governor boasts of having a a "hot" wife...At Cleveland City Club, Gingrich brags that when he shut down the federal government, as House Speaker, he saved taxpayers $983 billion. He also promises that one minute after he is sworn in as president, he will issue an executive order banning lake effect blizzards from Cleveland to Buffalo. He also promises that the Browns will reach the playoffs late in his second term...He urges the Cleveland Board of Education to eliminate school janitors and replace them with 8-year-old dropouts to give the kids the kind of work experience they will need when they graduate from medical school someday...

McRon Paul: Showing up at the Unitarian Church, he calls Santorum a "fake"...Later at a campus rally, he calls Santorum a "fake"...And later at a rally in the Cuyahoga Valley National Recreation Area, he bashes the Federal government for spending taxpayer money on the park, saying there's no reason why the trees and wildlife can't get along nicely on their own... Before leaving Ohio, he holds a final news conference in which calls Santorum a "fake."

Alas, there are still six days before the primary.