Sunday, January 3, 2016

2016: The slippery road ahead

Probing the  new year:

  •  JEB! will agree to affix a hashtag to his name instead of an exclamation  point to make it easier for the voters to find him.

  • The personal-computer age will implode when Apple concedes that it has run out of passwords.

  • The Browns will win the opening game of the 2016-17 season but not  before they  had fired their new coach after the team lost its opener of  the exhibition season.

  • Responding to criticism from Akron area shoe stores, the University of Akron Board of Trustees will no longer allow  mileage expenses for President Scarborough for driving  to sites within  walking distance.

  • Hospital emergency rooms will report hundreds  more injuries from distracted texters who fall from cliffs, rooftops and silos or crash into fire hydrants, parking meters and grocery carts.  But  as with  guns, conservatives will be successful in protecting the gadgets to be openly carried  in all public places known to vote Republican.    

  • Defeated as a presidential candidate, Donald Trump will buy the entire Republican Party and declare his candidacy for the 2020 election while excoriating Jerry Seinfeld for choosing President Obama to ride around in a $60,000 Stingray instead of  laying up sandbags in the Missouri flooding caused by Hillary Clinton. 

  • Climate-change deniers will blame the Italian government for not putting a cork in Mt. Vesuvius that would have prevented its powerful eruption from causing  world-wide air pollution.

  • Embarrassed upon learning that some of its members were misspelling "polytechnic" in official correspondence,  the UA Board of Trustees agreed to make use of the word optional.

  • Insisting that he has ''real solutions to real problems,"  Gov. Kasich  says he doesn't need  a solution for charter schools because they are not a problem. Meanwhile,  the Columbus Dispatch reported that Kasich believes he will be appointed U. S. postmaster general because of his background as the son of a mailman.

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