January: John Kasich is sworn-in as Ohio governor and immediately appoints Alex Arshinkoff as his liaison to Akron Mayor Don Plusquellic....Sarah Palin announces plan to scale Mt. Everest to get a better view of her porch in Wasilla.... A record heat-wave roasts the East Coast. The Rev. Pat Robertson says it is God's punishment for postponing the snowbound game between the Minnessota Vikings and Philadelphia Eagles.
February: Temperatures soar to more than 100 degrees in Boston and Manhattan. Anti-climate change columnist George Will convinces Cokie Roberts that it is the result of a "Manichaean world view nurtured by post-Madisonian statism and regressive polity"...Carly Fiorina says she is prepared to explain her "Demon sheep" ad in the recent election. Nobody cares.
March: Iowa housing market booms as 14 potential Republican presidential candidates buy homes in Des Moines to demonstrate their commitment to real people....Rejected by Mayor Plusquellic, Arshinkoff is appointed liaison to a 10-year study to determine the merits of a high-speed rail system....John Boehner and Glenn Beck agree to compete in a charitable sobbing contest for Guinness Book of Records. Like Niobe, the loser would be turned into a rock.
April: Long Island paralyzed by 123 degree heat. Michelle Bachmann blames the lack of air conditioners on President Obama who "wants to get even with upscale Republican ghettos in Scarsdale and White Plains"....Ejected as Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele says he will organize a third-party movement to teach a lesson to "all of those smart-ass white guys in the party."...Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer swears that three beheaded Martians were found in the desert.
May: Newt Gingrich officially enters the presidential race, followed quickly by Palin, Jim DeMint and Christine O'Donnell....Rupert Murdock gives another million to the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, who launders it through six Swiss banks before it reaches an exploratory group supporting Sean Hannity....A GOP commission planning the party's 2012 platform inserts a plank declaring that Obama was born in the Machu Picchu area before he was smuggled to the Serengeti to grow up among monkeys.
June: Kasich announces the elimination of all taxes on Ohio State football merchandise and anybody who works for the Summit County Republican Party. "It's a start," he says, "in eliminating the state income tax"....Ohio's unemployment reaches 14 pct. as investors hold back while still awaiting the governor's plan to increase jobs.
July: Sea level in the Great Lakes rises 6 inches as melting glaciers head south across Canada. Rush Limbaugh describes the phenomenon as an "optical illusion" by wishful liberals and Polar-Nazis drowning in their own tears...Sarah Palin challenges black belt specialist Vladimir Putin to a wrestling match on Umiak Island. The State Department nixes the idea, explaining that ordinary Americans cannot engage in deals with foreign leaders. Palin says she is offended to be refudiated as an ordinary American.
August: Ohio Tea Partiers join with Kasich in an effort to defeat Mayor Plusquellic in November, saying they are pleased that the governor has agreed to eliminate all taxes in the state and sell off all state property, including the Statehouse, on eBay to private developers.....Palin announces that she has scheduled a world tour with the Dalai Lama to show that she is not prejudiced against foreigners with funny names....Polar bears are spotted along the Ohio Turnpike.
September: The year-long heat wave has raised the water temperature to 102 degrees along east coast, washing out the tourism business at Myrtle Beach. Wall Street says it will forgo bonuses to help pay for the water damage from rising sea water.... Alex Arshinkoff, recently appointed to an expanded Ohio Supreme Court, is also named by Kasich as a dollar-a-year goodwill ambassador to televangelist Rod Parsley....Latest Ohio unemployment figures show a 4 pct. rise in out-of-work faculty on state university campuses.
October: Sarah Palin schedules a book signing of her latest effort in the crater of Mount St. Helens. She tells her fans that she hopes to set a Guinness record for bungee jumps while reading the Constitution....Fourteen more Republicans announce their candidacies for president, increasing the total to 31. Obama says nothing, but an aide said he was was seen grinning while playing basketball in the gym.
November: Don Plusquellic is reelected, overwhelming his Republican name-game opponent, Erskine McKasich Taylor... Heat wave subsides to 100 degree levels. Anti-climate warmers declare victory over Fascist tree huggers and heat-mongering Muslims ..... Kasich eliminates Ohio department of Interior and sells Department of Education to private charter-school enthusiasts....Palin releases a documentary showing her parachuting into Mt. Vesuvius.
December: Melting igloos inundate Alaska. Still in a sulk, Sen. McCain votes down earmark for an ark for his old running mate's state....Failing to increase jobs in Ohio, a bored Kasich resigns to accept a lucrative talk show on Fox News.....Arshinkoff moves from Hudson to Cuyahoga Falls to spend more time with his family at City Hall, which is moved to the site of the planned upscale grocery store on Portage Trail to avoid the flooding Cuyahoga River....And before you know it, it is 2012 and nothing really has changed!