Black Friday: Learning from voter restrictions

With the growing  reports  of fanatic bargain hunters camping out at electronics stores a week before  Black Friday,  a couple of close family members are urging  Secretary of State Jon Husted to invoke his early  voting restrictions on early shopping. I couldn't persuade them that bargains being what they are supposed to be on Black Friday, there was little that Husted could do to prevent people from  being maimed when the doors open. Besides, his track record with early things is not that encouraging, particularly since Ohio went to Obama anyway.

Anyway, Nancy handed me a list of things that might work, and I'm dutifully prudent enough in a family situation to forward some of them to you, to wit:

Restrict early shopping on the week end before Christmas.

MasterCard or Visa can only be used if the sun is shining on a shopping day.

Gift cards for restaurants will require photo ID's and cannot be used for the purchase of Mexican foods or stuffed grape leaves and other ethnic foods ordered by strange-looking people.

All mall stores must purge their lists of credit card holders.

Any shopper errors in signing for charges will invalidate sales and three lawyers  and a police officer must appear with the buyer to advise him or her of their rights.

BestBuy credit cards can only be used on weekdays and never on Sundays unless the computer buyer is accompanied by a teenager.

Require  all early shoppers to  identify the president of Uzbekistan. 

Finally, under  penalty of self deportation, swear that you have never been convicted of     shopper fraud,  knocking down senior citizens in line or comparative shopping at Sam's Club.

Got that, Mr. Husted?