WANTED: Servile but reasonably presentable person to serve as presumptive House Speaker. Excellent pay, extraordinary medical benefits, personal chauffeur, free for golf and private interpersonal romps on holidays and weekends. Experience with gavels preferred. Need not have congressional experience nor college degree. Will be expected to travel to Tea Party conventions and other impure Republican venues. Knowledge of money an absolute priority. Bibles available upon request. Must be able to recite Pledge of Allegiance without prompting. Working knowledge of governmental and Planned Parenthood shutdowns desirable. Other life skills, including typing and a preference for bourbon over Scotch, not required. In all Fox News appearances must scorn Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton, gays, welfare queens, illegal immigrants and Barack Obama. Must be able to identify Kenya on map. Applications available through House Freedom Caucus. Supply limited.