Anybody for a career opportunity?

WANTED: Servile but reasonably presentable  person to serve as presumptive House Speaker.  Excellent pay, extraordinary medical benefits, personal chauffeur,  free for golf and private interpersonal romps on holidays and weekends.   Experience with gavels preferred.  Need not have congressional experience nor college degree.    Will be expected to travel to Tea Party conventions and other impure Republican  venues. Knowledge of money an absolute priority.  Bibles available upon request.  Must be able to recite Pledge of Allegiance  without prompting.  Working  knowledge of governmental and Planned  Parenthood shutdowns desirable.  Other life skills, including typing  and a preference for bourbon over Scotch, not required. In all Fox News appearances must scorn  Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton, gays, welfare queens, illegal immigrants and  Barack Obama. Must be able to identify  Kenya on map.   Applications available through House Freedom Caucus. Supply limited.