I went to the Board of Elections fully prepared to change parties with valid credentials as an American citizen. Among the many documents I handed to the clerk were a letter from the library that I was not in arrears on overdue book fines; a dog-eared copy of Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged; a snapshot of Ronald Reagan in a Hollywood Air Force uniform; a birth certificate signed by the police chief in my hometown; an honorable discharge from the Air Force; before-and-after photo IDs of when I had a full head of hair; an invitation to speak at Kiwanis luncheon; and a note from my childhood doctor clearing me of mumps.
"Have you ever been out of the country?" a suspicious clerk asked me.
''Yes," I replied, meekly. "A number of times to Italy."
"Hmmm..." she said with a frown, writing in her tablet. "Have you ever been on death row?"
"Whooaa..."
"Why do you want to be a Republican?"
"I want to move in different circles," I stressed. "Get an appointment to a well-paid job. Share golf stories with the guys at the club. Be invited to a fancy dinner for no good reason. Be around people who can tell me how hedge funds work."
She continued to take notes.
"Do you have a sponsor for this game-changer in your life?"
"I need a sponsor?"
"I'm afraid so, sir. We have no way of knowing that you won't be a spy for the other party. Moles are everywhere these days."
"But I explained why I want to be a Republican---"
"How much are you pledging to donate to the party up front?"
"Donate? I'm not even a member yet."
"It's earnest money, sir."
"Well..."
"Thank you for coming in," she said impatiently. "We will forward your request to the chairman, who will get it back to us in 45 to 60 days. He's a very busy man, you know."
"Wha---."
"Your telephone number will suffice. We'll call you if and when you are validated. Even if you are, there will be a six-month probationary period, or the receipt of a large check to the party - whichever comes first."
"Large check???"
"We accept Visa and Master Card."
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