Monday, December 17, 2012
And now, the Louie Gohmert awards of 2012
The file is bulging with tributes to odd and quirky antics and quotes - many of them not elegantly stated, as Mitt would say - that littered the 2012 political landscape. Shall we begin with the honors?
Most useless right-to-work stunt in the 2012 presidential campaign: To Paul Ryan, for washing pans that had already been washed in a soup kitchen run by the St. Vincent De Paul Society during a stop near Youngstown.
Most forgettable moment in the Republican debates: To Texas Gov. Rick Perry, who conceded that he could only remember two of three U.S. departments he would abolish if he were elected president.
Most stupendous medical malpractice by pro-life white guys: The award goes to three Republican non-physicians: Rep. Todd Akin, who said a female body would prevent pregnancy from "legitimate rape"; Indiana treasurer Richard Mourdock, who allowed that pregnancy from rape was God's will; and Foster Friess, a major contributor to Rick Santorum's campaign, who said that in his day, one way to avoid pregnancy was for the ''gals to put an aspirin between their knees".
Most spaced-out comment of the year: Candidate Newt Gingrich, promising a permanent base station on the moon in his second term in the Oval Office.
Most prolonged ego-trip by a pain-in-the you-know-what birther: Donald Trump, who was left running in place at the starting gate.
Most detached flag-raiser by a state official: Ohio Secretary of State Jon Husted's deepest concern that restoring early voting was "un-American".
Most insightful political reprieve of the downside of Mitt Romney's wealth: House Speaker John Boehner's conclusion that Americans are supportive of rich folks and would vote for Mitt because "they don't want to vote for someone that hasn't been successful."
Most cognitive dissonant statement of the presidential campaign: Mitt Romney's repeated contention that "the economy is getting it better but Obama made it worse."
Most in urgent need of a hearing aid in House of Representatives: Soon- to- exit Rep. Allen West of Florida, who said he "heard" that there were 80 Communists posing as Democrats in the House.
Most errant description of the Republican comeback team: Michelle Bachmann, describing Romney and Ryan as a "brilliant combination" to carry the GOP banner.
Most ignored warning from a GOP conservative: Rick Santorum,who described Mitt Romney as the "worst" possible candidate to get the Republican nomination.
Most Houdini-like escape from his party's exile: George W. Bush, last mentioned when he flew off to the Cayman Islands to give a talk on investments.
Most audacious definition of "fair and reasonable": Doug Preisse, Franklin County GOP chairman, who asserted: "I guess I really actually feel we shouldn't contort the voting process to accommodate the urban - read African-American - voter-turnout machine. Let's be fair and reasonable."
Most descriptive profile of a Republican candidate: Summit County GOP chairman Alex Arshinkoff, describing Josh Mandel as a "Jew with balls".
Most chilling statement by a GOP official about an apparent zombie attack: Maine Republican Chairman Charlie Webster, who said he was astounded by the "dozens, dozens of black people who voted" because he personally did not know anyone in town who "knows a black person." He said he didn't know how that happened but promised to find out.
And finally, there's ol' Louie Gohmert himself, a right-wing Lone Star gun-loving operative who believes that the only solution to gun massacres is to arm all school faculties. In the wake of the unspeakable Newtown shootings, Louie said if only a fatally wounded teacher had had a gun in her desk, she could have blown off the head of the shooter.
Or maybe not.