Debate vs. baseball playoff: No contest

I really tried to be a responsible, well-informed citizen by watching that debate at Dartmouth College. But after several minutes, I decided that the playoff game between Detroit and Texas was a more informative way to spend the evening.

What I did see during my debate-viewing minutes was a group of scripted candidates sitting at a round table as modern knights trying to be as correctly normal as you and I with twitters and grins and outright laughter. Even host Charlie Rose broke up from all of the hilarity. This was not an exercise in advanced gravitas.

Only Newt Gingrich, who is always hanging around, tried grimly to be on prosecutorial message, suggesting that a couple of Democrats ought to be imprisoned. He continues to wonder about two other Democrats, President Obama with Jimmy Carter (now there's a name from the past!), accusing both of subversively trying to destroy America. Wouldn't that be a case of blatant sabotage in the Oval Office? Call in the special forces!

On the other hand, Mitt Romney has now switched to cruise control. His posture and demeanor are reassuringly comforting in a field of lunatics: slight smile, hands clasped, above- the- fray presidential material, wouldn't you say? I once knew a board chairman who was like that, and isn't that what conservatives want? Mitt had arrived in New Hampshire to the tune of "Hail to the Chief," thanks to Chris Christie's endorsement. (Can anybody figure out the New Jersey governor other than he is fiercely committed to making Obama a "one-term" president? Clip and save.)

When Herman Cain fulsomely praised Alan Greenspan as the kind of guy who ought to sit atop the Federal Reserve, that prompted a laugh from Ron Paul, who snarled that Greenspan was "a gangster."

All the while in another hall miles away, the lemming-like Senate Republicans, now in full custody by Grover Norquist, were successfully blocking debate on Obama's jobs bill. Not the final bill, but floor debate, and they were unanimous about it. All of them doubtless were star pupils at the Brave New World's Central Hatchery and Conditioning Center.

Who was it, Newt, who wants to destroy America?

(Did I mention that the baseball game was interesting?)

Do the math: Thousands don't go into a handful

BAD SIGNS OF THE TIMES:

Two geezers at a restaurant counter in Fairlawn shouting at a young waitress that the reason people don't have jobs today is that they don't want to work. She valiantly disagreed with them, to no avail.

I wonder if these guys would include the thousands of unemployed who stand in line for a handful of jobs offered by a company.

Probably. And that's too bad.

Is the problem the protests? Or Beck's Wall Street?

IF IT'S NOT ONE thing it's another as conservatives recoil from the Wall Street demonstrations as if colonial America had been peacefully hatched from an ostrich egg. I can tell you the weathiest among us don't like it one bit despite their respectful silence over the rise of Tea Party protests. (We want our country back! Remember?)

So it's not surprising that one of the right wing's leading head cases, Glenn Beck, has assumed his familiar Paul Revere persona by warning his audience of the revolutionary intent of the protestors. Here's what he had to say about it, and if you're not a millionaire, you can stop reading now:

'Capitalists if you think that you can play footsies with these people you're wrong. They will come for you and drag you into the streets and kill you."

In his view, what else can you expect from "Marxist radicals"? Or "Robespierre." Whichever comes first, I guess. Actually, Beck was among those who came first in vigorously promoting the Tea Party rallies.

There have been many other warnings from the voices on the right (and middle in some instances) who are clearly troubled by any disruption that would cause Goldman Sachs, Morgan Stanley et al a good night's sleep. Caught with their free-speech notions down, some of the broadcast chatterers have had no trouble being quite picky about the thrust of the protests. They have complained that there is no defined purpose, no facile organizational structure, no homogeneous leadership - just noise in the streets. It is the media's way of saying Hang on, Sloopy, the protestors will go away. My hunch, however, is that this is more than a fleeting moment of dissent. And I also have a hunch that the movement's worried critics would privately agree with me.

We went through much of this during the Viet Nam protests that eventually dominated the narrative. Good Lord. Polite society then asked, should we be listening to anti-war hippies, Communists, stragglers and the misguided sons and daughters of corporate managers - a gathering that started spontaneously and raised the ante to the highest levels of government. (It forced LBJ to step aside from the race.)

Unsurprisingly, many of the media voices and pols have not said much about the target of the protests, Wall Street's malignant schemes that ignited the great economic dive that began back in the 90s. You don't bite the hand that feeds you, and the corporate media know that better than anybody else. Americans have been slow to respond to the perps of their loss of homes, jobs, income and optimism for a better future. At least they need to see why it turned out that way.

The real problem isn't in the streets, folks.

Need a laugh? Try Cain and Cantor

AS SOME OF you may have noticed, I often regress into delirium and take a serious look at a serious issue. But in surveying the comments by the Republican pols, it is getting harder to keep a straight face. They dodge all questions by saying it is critical to focus on creating jobs. And then they come at you with notions about same-sex marriage, class warfare, Mormonism, abortion and voter fraud.

Are they kidding, or what? For me, it is now like watching one silly squirrel chasing another squirrel up and down the tree in our back yard. For humans, their antics are fun to watch.

We now have Person of Interest #3 or #4 Herman Cain insisting that black Americans have been "brainwashed" to vote for Democrats. An African American himself, he has cast himself as the valid authority on mass brainwashing of minorities. By whom were they brain-washed? He blames Democrats, which is hardly newsworthy since the Republican candidates spend most of their time these days blaming Democrats when they aren't blaming each other for something.

I would tell them that as I recall, the Democrats were responsible for Medicare, Social Secrurity, voting rights and a number of other programs that benefitted the alleged brainwashed blacks in America. But if I did, I suspect Cain would accuse me of ordering the wrong brand of pizza.

I doubt that Mitt Romney would want to take the brainwashing tack inasmuch as it would open old family wounds. When Dad George, himself a presidential candidate, returned from a visit to Viet Nam in 1967, he was repentant in explaining to a radio interviewer why he was no longer a hawk. He said he had been the victim (by the military) of the "greatest brainwashing that anybody can get." Time magazine expressed its astonishment over Romney's explanation, describing it as "inept." Small wonder that Mitt has stuck to less inconsiderate comments like "corporations are people" even though I think that it, too, is a bit inept.

Then we come - again! - to jolly Eric Cantor, who should be pitied rather than censured for trying to be so profoundly above the battle . The Virginia Republican, who is forever in the midst of the battle, says the Wall Street demonstrations are increasingly troubling to him. . He told the the folks at the 2011 Voter Values Summit the past week that the protests by the "mobs" were an example of "class warfare" that is increasingly troubling to him because they are "pitting Americans against Americans."

I would consider him an expert on class "pitting" since the GOP-controlled House of Representatives, of which Cantor is the majority leader, has devoted a lot of its time doing just. But here I go again, getting serious when I thought we were in this for the laughs.

Seen any upbeat movies lately? Otherwise, we'll just have to squeeze s few more laughs out of the squirrelly Republican political class before they start falling out of the trees.

Santorum's guide to pillow talk.

The Republican presidential farce has now reached the slapstick stage with Rick Santorum prepping for his own show on Comedy Central. Here's his latest one-liner, offered at a Value Voters Summit:

"When you look at someone to determine whether they'd be the right person for public office, look at who they lay down with at night and what they believe in.''

But would any of the candidates want a lot of voters poking around in their bedrooms, Rick?

His comments are so bizarre that you can't even bring yourself to mention that his grammar is awful, as in his above comment. To LAY down? (I'll forgive him for "who" and "whom" , which nobody, including me, fully understands.

Nicknames in the nick of time?

IT WAS GOOD to see Gail Collins, the delightful New York Times columnist, promoting Butch Otter as a Republican presidential candidate. Among her reasons for supporting the Idaho governor was that he would be the first president to be a member of Ducks Unlimited. Besides she notes happily, his candidacy would give her the opportunity to visit Idaho for the first time.

She has made a good choice. Otter would restore to the American culture the use of nicknames that disappeared from the days when mobsters were best remembered by such colorful references as "Machine Gun Kelly" or, more recently, "Vinnie Carwash", to give you some idea of their line of work.

(Butch means "wisdom" in early German - but good luck on that one in these fluttery days.)

Maybe Butch Otter could do something to bring back nicknames to other fields in the public eye. There was something compelling about calling a pool shark "Minnesota Fats", or crowd-stirring wrestler "Man Mountain Dean".

Ah, baseball was all the more interesting with characters named Catfish Metkovich, Peanuts Lowrey, Hammerin' Hank, the Splendid Splinter, the Yankee Clipper and PeeWee Reese. And how could anybody ignore Ernie Lombardi, whose nose reached first base long before the rest of his body. He was, as everyone lovingly knows, "The Schnozz".

Finally, there were Dizzy and Daffy, and even a "Butch,'" Wynegar, in this case. And if you don't remember it, I know a guy who has his baseball card.

So, on to Idaho, Ms. Collins. Butch Otter does have something to offer and should be rewarded for it. Sorry, Mitt, but that is really your middle name. Between Willard and Romney.

The strange 'nine' factor in politics

TIME NOW TO seriously consider the remaining Notorious Nine who remain ambitiously fixed on winning the Republican presidential nomination, deeply troubling the party establishment who wishes there were one or two others in the room. The Niners, not be confused with that NFL team out West, have resisted their critics' charges of foul play while eagerly seeking the blessing of the most bizarre wing of their party.

Get used to it. They are dedicated cultists, and their strength lies in the fact that cults share the same mystical thoughts, forever dividing good and evil. They meet regularly as a group under the light of television cameras, their only concession to modernity. They engage in secret handshakes and passwords (jobs-killing and tax-cutting), the latter to lure skeptics to their ritualistic realm.

As a homogeneous group, they are Brave New Worlders who have much in common with the products of Aldous Huxley's Central Hatchery and Conditioning Center, and he might be pleased to be vindicated in his literary alert that the world is a-changing in ways that we might not apprecicate.

There is still another dimension to their strange presence. It's the fact that they represent a numeral that has long fascinated mathematicians. There are not six nor two nor eight candidates, but nine. Pure magic, and quite fitting for cultists.

Having taken a 24-lecture on-line math course last year to help me balance my checkbook and figure out a department store's layered discounts, I learned all about the uniqueness of nine. According to the math-minded, if you multiply any number by nine, the sum's digits will always up to nine. No other numeral can make that claim! Example: 9 x 781 = 8829. So, 8+8+2+9 = 27. And 2+7 = 9)

But we were talking about the mystical Notorious Nine, weren't we? Well, yes. But I paid good money for the course and figured that someday the strange nine factor would be useful to politics. Thank God that Chris Christie didn't didn't screw everything up by making it 10. On the other hand, is it cruel to add that these nine cultists don't add up to much of anything?

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Ohio GOP's sights on 2016 presidential primary

HOPEFUL OF being first in something other than alligators and flesh-eating beach flies, Florida's Republicans defied the fates and advanced the party's presidential primary to Jan. 31 from Mar. 6. That's next year, of course. The frantic response from other political futurists has been something less than kind.

Hopeful of being first in something other than secession, South Carolina promptly responded by moving up its primary to Jan. 21 and crossed its fingers that there would be no pro football playoffs that week to distract the party's voters.

Not so fast, aggrieved Republican loyalists in other states huffed. There is deep thought in New Hampshire for a possible December primary date. Nevada, possibly concerned with the state's time difference with the eastern media, may schedule a vote between midnight and dawn in November to make the important morning TV talk shows on the outcome.

And there is Iowa, which has a drawn-out layered caucus scheme with roots in the fussy election of a new Venetian doge. Iowa couldn't possibly leapfrog any of the other states unless it began its noble pursuit of respectful public notice on Halloween.

That leaves, I'm sorry to report, 45 other states to figure out their best chances for distinctive national electoral glory.

There are rumors hereabouts that Ohio's deep-thinking Republicans are trying to come up with a plan for a 2016 presidential primary to be held immediately after the OSU game with Michigan in November. Nice try, I suppose, inasmuch as there is little for the state to crow about these days, Gov. Kasich's boasts notwithstanding.

*******

It didn't take more than a minute after Chris Christie's Sherman-like decline of a presidential candidacy to bestir the national analysts to begin probing a post-Cristie era in the Republican field. Much of the Christie story was media driven from the outset despite his repeated denials of interest. It made for millions of analytical comments and kept on the front-burner speculation that surrounds national politics today by the talking heads.

Among Christie's many suitors were media mogul Rupert Murdoch, Henry Kissinger, pundit William Kristol and Gov. Kasich. Maybe the New Jersey governor was aware that with baggage like those guys would add to a campaign, he didn't need the inconvenience. So that chapter should end, but not before Mitt Romney and Rick Perry award Christie the game ball.

Brunner's endorsement of Kasich policies

THERE ARE DAYS when it's impossible to follow the bouncing ball. Take Jennifer Brunner's behavior these days in the political universe, for example. In case you've forgotten, Brunner had become the poster candidate for the progressive women's movement - some of it inspired by her assurances that she didn't mind that distinction at all. Still, it wasn't enough for the former Ohio Secretary of State to defeat Lee Fisher in last year's Senate primary and she headed to her law office in Columbus, apparently to sulk awhile.

Today, the media have been wondering about how she could now be so charitable to

Gov. Kasich's policies. Hey, she says, stop complaining about the guy because he's out there fighting for Ohioans. Or as the Plunderbund blog quoted her remarks at the Columbus Athletic Club after she nodded approvingly during a Kasich speech:

"Not everyone agrees with those [Kasich's] changes, but he's making an effort. You can tell that he cares...[He is] dedicated to reforming Ohio.'"

But wait! Is that the same Jennifer Brunner who Kasich has just appointed to the Ohio Cultural Facilities Commission - not a role that will give her many photo-ops. The 12 -member Commission describes itself as a means to look after the "development and performance" of cutural and sports facilities with no power over the expenditure of public funds.

As the Columbus Dispatch twitted the Kasich-Brunner moment:

"Not long ago, Jennifer Brunner said something nice about John Kasich. And today, the Republican governor appointed the former Democratic secretary of state to the Ohio Cultural Commission."

Christie's obesity finally noticed

NOW THAT THE "class warfare' rattle has paused for a good 15 minutes among the GOP presidential candidates, the media have turned to Chris Christie to reinvigorate the narrative. The story can now be told that the ample New Jersey governor is...um...obese. Not just obese, mind you. Morbidly obese! That, plus asthma attacks, and you have a non-presidential candidate no matter how much his Republican half-loonies want none of the above who are current.

If I may speak from experience, I'd say that Christie's resistance to a national candidacy is probably the wisest decision he will ever make. As one who has labored through several presidential and gubernatorial campaigns, I will trouble any disappointed Christie fans out there with my doubts that he could survive the merciless grind. As a much younger and able-bodied political reporter, I still ended up in traction and other therapy for months with painful back spasms that forced me to write my columns face-down on the living room floor with the typewriter inches from my chin.

For reporters, such stress, bad food and 20- hour days without week-end breaks still had a slight advantage over the candidates. No one cared whether our clothes were a disaster or whether we didn't trouble ourselves with a comb. Ill-tempered? So were our working colleagues. In other words, we didn't have to look pretty and sound presidential in front of an audience.

A politically incorrect way to describe Christie is that he is just plain perspiring fat. If a tough presidential campaign wouldn't imperil him, a lot of other health issues could send him to the emergency room at any moment on the trail. Let's leave it at that, since he seems to understand that more than everyone in his cheering section. Way to go, governor.