Chuck Norris: Would Mary have aborted Jesus?

THE FEBRUARY issue of The Progressive magazine has a couple of slapstick quotes that fit nicely into my last post. One is by D-movie actor Chuck Norris, who has been flitting around on the right as a preacher of sorts. His latest mini-sermon concludes that Mary, acting from shame, would have aborted Jesus had there been government health care during her out-of-wedlock pregnancy. Unable to shake off his trance-like thoughts, Norris asks: "Will Obamacare morph into Herodcare for the unborn?"

A second sidesplitter comes from a viper - an addled one at that - from North Carolina otherwise known as Rep. Virginia Foxx (R), who has fearfully locked her doors at night from the threat of an Obama health care reform bill. Warns a jittery Foxx: "I believe we have more to fear from that bill passing than we do from any terrorists right now in any country." But she temporarily forgot that risk when she got his autograph after Obama spoke to the Republican caucus. Yes, Virginia. There is a threat, and it is you.

Out of the mouths of...

FAIR WARNING to Jon Stewart: a new comedy team on Capitol Hill and in the outlands is getting dangerously closer to challenging your top-rated comedy schtick. The past week saw an avalanche of droll one-liners from Conservative Central. Can't stop laughing, and I don't have to wait until your late night news spoofing to make my day. Much of last week's fun derived from the so-called health reform debate but there were other fiscally conservative spinoffs. Don't have the space or energy to repeat all of the examples, but here are some that made the cut, with help from Think progress and other gag-watchers:

Rep. Michele Bachmann, R-Minn., on the Obama health-care reform plan : The president is "dropping likc a rock. The plan would make us look like Havana in 1959 when Castro came in." (Or the U.S. when Dubya went out?)

Rep. Virginia Foxx, R-N. C.: "There are no Americans who don't have health care."

Rush Limbaugh, who thinks he should play the high priest in Mozart's Magic Flute: "Let's

face it, Obama's black, and I think he's got a chip on his shoulder."

Sen. Jim DeMint, R-S.C.: " If we're able to stop Obama on this [health care reform] it will be his Waterloo. It will break him."

Lou Dobbs, CNN, on Obama's birthplace: "The questions won't go away because they haven't been dealt with."

Rush Limbaugh, again, on why he has an audience: "I'm inspiring."

U.S. Rep. Marsha Blackburn, R-Tenn: "Let's agree that we're going to have PAYGO [pay as you go] enforcement, that we're not going to cry 'emergency' every time we have a Katrina, every time we have a tsunami, every time we have a need for extra spending, that we don't go call for a special appropriation to allow us circumvent the PAYGO rule. [Note to Blackburn's district of Memphis: Stop laughing. This could cost you big bucks, and everything you own!]

My sides are splitting.