Herman Cain's race card against Jon Stewart

ASIDE TO HERMAN CAIN:

I see that you have accused comedian Jon Sewart of attacking you because you are, eh...black. If I may interrupt your transparent presidential campaign to sell your pizza and underwrite other projects by sucking up to the energy industry, consider this: It doesn't matter whether you are black, yellow, red as pizza sauce, designer tan or decorator off-white - nor does it matter to Stewart, a liberal comedy host who may have a bigger audience than you ever will once you leave the smog of Fox News. You have no chance to win the presidency, no matter what Stewart says. No chance. None at all. So I am forced to drag out my Grumpy Abe Linguistic Lunacy (GALL) award for your clumsy reach for the race card. Meantime, Herm, go easy on the pepperoni, please .

Swine flu and other mess-clearing events

IN A WORLD with so much gloom and doom it is sometimes too easy to overlook those who are still going to work every day to make it a better life for all of us. That is the story of the Italian inventor who, according to reports, has found a way to "avoid sacrificing your soul for your health." To demonstrate that the creativity of Leonardo DeVinci didn't die with his model flying machines, this fellow invented an automatic holy water dispenser that will lessen the threat of flu germs in Milan. The idea won't rank with Brunelleschi's dome or gelato, but it does demonstrate that with a great Italian cathedral, there is always a way to provide safe passage through the flu season, if not the berserk drivers on Italy's congested streets.

ONCE WE HAVE recovered from the shock, we can all be happily thankful for Sean Hannity's mea culpa about cooking the video on the latest Tea Parties in Washington. In Fox's laboratory of fiction, the video of an earlier and much larger protest was used to highlight a much smaller Tea Party crowd. And once again, it was Jon Stewart - not the national media - who nailed the Hannity program with the profound observation that, Hey, folks!, the trees were still pre-autumnal green in the video of the larger event whose turnout was much more persuasive for Hannity's tale. But Hannity, with no room at all to wiggle, did apologize to Stewart, thusly:

"He was correct. We screwed up. We aired some video of a rally in September, along with video from the actual event. It was an inadvertent mistake. But a mistake nonetheless."

Right, inadvertent until a late-night comedian-amateur botanist began wondering about the color of autumn leaves.

THE FUN AND PAGEANTRY of Mardi Gras is arriving earlier than usual way down yonder in New Orleans as Louisiana Sen. David Vitter is being challenged by a hot porn star, Stormy Daniels, who claims that unlike Vitter, she has nothing to hide. Vitter is one of Capitol Hill's holier-than- holy morality activists who found a place of honor on a D.C. madam's telephone list. He also was a prominant member of the birthers' demands that Obama's birthplace be verified again and again. But give him credit for accepting a little shame for his sexual misdeeds. He apologized and said he would never do it again.

FINALLY, WHAT was it I said in a recent blog about the scoop-happy national media? Now comes another example, this one regarding an ABC report by the network's Brian Ross that Maj. Nidal Hasan was in league with al-Qaeda, sending terrorist chills across the land. Not true, says the FBI, on the Crooks and Liars blog. The Feds said this:

The FBI determined that the e-mails [to an American-Islamic radical cleric] did not warrant an investigation...Investigators said Hasan's e-mails were consistent with the topic of his academic research and involved some social chatter and religious discourse.

Wiggled Ross in defending his shattered scoop: "That was how it was initially described to me." At this rate, ABC will get around to finally determining that according to its sources the Phillies won the World Series.

.

Heeeeeeerrs George W, Bush!

IS THERE A SLIGHT chance that the Get Motivated producers have taken a cue from the Balloon Boy (the latest vanishing sensation since Joe the Plumber) by paying George Bush to return to the stage as a speaker at its all-day spectacle in Ft. Worth Monday night? Guaranteeing that the media and late night-comics will be watching, Bush will be paid an estimated $100,000 for a one hour motivational (!) talk. The splinters are already flying about the odd choice for an inspiring pep talk for anybody aspiring to make a new career with a desk on the carpet. As the New York Daily News sized up his scheduled appearance:

"Former Republican President George W. Bush, last seen inspiring millions to vote Democratic - has a new gig as a high priced motivational speaker."

To put the event in context as Bush shares the program with such other luminaries as Zig Ziglar, Terry Bradshaw and Rudy Giuliani, it should be remembered that since he returned to his ranch in Texas with a 22 pct. public approval rating, there has been a serious effort by Karl Rove and others to rehab his ex-boss's dismal record in the image of Knute Rockne's winning strategies or Davy Crockett's heroics at the Alamo. There is even an instant rebuttal to the comics and critics by noting the Ronald Reagan and Bill Clinton gave high priced speeches after leaving office. Trouble with that argument is Reagan and Clinton left office with decent numbers.

Get Motivated's web site boasts that its programs are "energizing, action-packed, star-filled and fun-filled. " Jon Stewart would not argue about the fun-filled bit. Just wait.

As for me, I'll go back to what I've said before about Dubya. It's the epitaph written by Holy Roman Emperor Joseph II for himself:

"Here lies Joseph II, who failed in everything he undertook."

.

Out of the mouths of...

FAIR WARNING to Jon Stewart: a new comedy team on Capitol Hill and in the outlands is getting dangerously closer to challenging your top-rated comedy schtick. The past week saw an avalanche of droll one-liners from Conservative Central. Can't stop laughing, and I don't have to wait until your late night news spoofing to make my day. Much of last week's fun derived from the so-called health reform debate but there were other fiscally conservative spinoffs. Don't have the space or energy to repeat all of the examples, but here are some that made the cut, with help from Think progress and other gag-watchers:

Rep. Michele Bachmann, R-Minn., on the Obama health-care reform plan : The president is "dropping likc a rock. The plan would make us look like Havana in 1959 when Castro came in." (Or the U.S. when Dubya went out?)

Rep. Virginia Foxx, R-N. C.: "There are no Americans who don't have health care."

Rush Limbaugh, who thinks he should play the high priest in Mozart's Magic Flute: "Let's

face it, Obama's black, and I think he's got a chip on his shoulder."

Sen. Jim DeMint, R-S.C.: " If we're able to stop Obama on this [health care reform] it will be his Waterloo. It will break him."

Lou Dobbs, CNN, on Obama's birthplace: "The questions won't go away because they haven't been dealt with."

Rush Limbaugh, again, on why he has an audience: "I'm inspiring."

U.S. Rep. Marsha Blackburn, R-Tenn: "Let's agree that we're going to have PAYGO [pay as you go] enforcement, that we're not going to cry 'emergency' every time we have a Katrina, every time we have a tsunami, every time we have a need for extra spending, that we don't go call for a special appropriation to allow us circumvent the PAYGO rule. [Note to Blackburn's district of Memphis: Stop laughing. This could cost you big bucks, and everything you own!]

My sides are splitting.