At least, they're not being asked to beat up their wives

OK, guys.  It's time we muscled up and strong-armed  all of the media talk going around that  we live in a "feminized" culture  that denies  men from being, well... men.  And by men, I'm talking about  an old fashioned  free-swinging, snorting  hulk of masculinity, sort of the Marlboro  man before we learned that even tough guys can die of lung cancer.

There was the funereal  lament, for example, of  Brit Hume, the Fox news analyst,  who traced Chris Christie's problems not to the George Washington Bridge but to the decline  of hard-assed bullies like the governor  who find it more and more troublesome these days to operate effectively in a patsy-fied  culture.

Said Hume:  "In this sort of  feminized atmosphere in which we exist today, guys who are masculine and muscular like that in their private conduct, kind  of old-fashioned tough guys, run some risks." (Hardly as risky, I'd  say,  than  your people  closing down the lanes to that bridge.)

Next, we find Nick Adams, the Australian author who has written a primer on how cowering men have been demasculated by feminists. (That sort of takes care of the Viagra cure, don't you think?)

Real men , he believes,  shoot guns.  It gets worse.   In his interview on Fox  & Friends, Adams was even asked by a worried Elisabeth Hasselbeck whether feminism and  the endangered male was a serious threat  to our national security  and "strong presence globally". Adams said he was absolutely sure of that, without a doubt.

As one who spent  some time in my childhood  watching a couple of burly cousins  arm-wrestling on the kitchen table to total exhaustion as one of Saturday night's lighter moments,   I must say I now prefer a gentler, kinder role for my guys.  Being manly about it,  I'll take my chances on National Security.





                                

For Christie , the cavalry is arriving...

Have you been following the anxiety attacks of  some Republicans who want to spin the bridge crises away from Gov. Christie's shadow?  Benghazi and Obama have fallen from the lips of the president's enemies. So have reprises of the IRS story. Anything to distract from the Fort Lee quake.

Some samples:

 Haley Barbour, the former GOP national chairman,  blamed Christie's woes on the "liberal media elite who continue to treat this like Lincoln's assassination."  (Shocking that right-wing Republicans from Mississippi even mention Lincoln these days.)

Reince Priebus, the current GOP chairman who is always good for a laugh, described Christie as a "smart person" and unlikely to know anything about his staff's involvement.  Not a "single link to Chris Christie  has been found," Reince protested.

But the runaway winner of the Grumpy Abe Linguistic Lunacy Award (GALL)  goes to Fox News panelist Brit Hume, who framed Christie's troubles as the consequence of a gender bias that denigrates macho men:

"I would have to say that in this sort of feminized   atmosphere in which we exist today, guys who are masculine and muscular like that in their private conduct, kind of old fashion tough guys run some risk...This guy is very much an old fashioned masculine, muscular guy  and there are political risks associated with that.  Maybe it shouldn't be, but that's how it is."

Maybe?

The birth of America's first Thee Party

WITH JANUARY weather so confining, I've been devoting some extra time indoors to creating a new (and exciting!!!) pop phenom to show the Tea Partiers a thing or two. It will be called the Thee Party to give it the sort of religious sheen so in vogue in certain quarters today. Actually the title was my second choice. I had decided to go secular with Tee Party but that was already appropriated by the national media that, in the post-Tiger world, never seem to leave bad enough alone.

It's also true that Fox's Brit Hume's insistence that Woods must convert to Christianity for the rebirth of his all-American sportsman's image made the transition from tee to thee a natural. And when the Mega-Rev. Rick Warren can issue a fund-raising plea that immediately rakes in more than $2.5 million, you have to admit that pure secularism has its limits. So Thee Party it will be with a resigned acceptance that I'm hardly in the good preacher's league for a steady cash flow.

Where to begin? With so much fearful talk of socialism by the tea baggers and their enablers on Capitol Hill, I would begin by calling for the total rejection of Medicare by every last U.S. citizen. (Non-citizens don't count because, as we have been told, they are likely to lie about everything. Besides, immigrants don't die from American diseases.) There would be no paperwork to fill out, no arguing with your insurance companies that you do indeed qualify for drug benefits and no threats of filibusters by the Back 40 Republican senators who would insist on being exempt from even minor tinkering with their health coverage.

With Medicare abolished, where would the health insurers turn for their profits, and where would the Back 40 turn for their daily bread? Certainly not to socialistic unemployment benefits and government pensions. Trust me: these would be abolished, too. So would lobbies, girl friends and congressional payrollers who make life so much more livable for their bosses. The cable networks, which thrive on the latest sulking statements from losers like Dick Cheney and John McCain, would have to go, too. (Come to think of it, Grumpy Abe would have to shut down in a Thee Party world.)

Well, you can see there would never be a day off for Thee Partiers. It would begin a new era in which socialism would be replaced.... I'll have to get back to you for more details as they come to mind. Duly inspired by Brit Hume and Rick Warren, I can only humbly tell you that operators are standing by.

Dr. Hume to Tiger: Rise to Christianity!

THE HIGH PRIEST of Fox News, Brit Hume, has a word for Tiger Woods to rehab him from his marital troubles: Christianity. Hume, who is turning from news hawking to spiritual guidance in his lofty role as a Fox analyst, urged Woods on Sunday to find salvation by converting from Buddhism to the Christian faith. Of Buddhism, Hume opined:

"The extent to which he can recover seems to me depends on his faith. He is said to be a Buddhist. I don't think that faith offers the kind of forgiveness and redemption that is offered by the Christian faith. My message to Tiger would be,'Tiger, turn to the Christian faith and you can make a total recovery and be a great example to the world.'"

I think Tiger should at least be guaranteed that he would rise to the heights of such faithful Christian pols as John Ensign, Mark Sanford, David Vitter, Rudy Giuliani and Karl Rove, the latter being an ardent preacher of family values who is trudging through a divorce. Still, we should forgive Hume. He knows not of what he speaks.

Hume: Not all pirates are from Somalia

FROM A READER comes this bloody ship-to-shore warning from a Fox News guy:

Brit Hume tells the Los Angeles Times of the Fox battle mentality:

We may be No. 1, but there is sort of an insurgent quality to Fox News. And that's kind of our attitude: "Hoist the Jolly Roger, pull out our dagger and look for more throats to slit."

(Sort of, kind of, not. The place is a breeding site for cutthroats. Even Brit thinks so.)